communication.

my family doesn't communicate. we shout. nicely, sometimes, but we still shout. we use harsh words where soft ones would do and loud voices where gentle ones would suffice. insults are thrown around freely, and nothing is thought out before its spoken.
chris is far more softly spoken than i am. he thinks before he speaks whereas i tend to regret a lot of what i say.
meeting him was a breath of fresh air.
marrying him was a lungful.
i have learnt to communicate in ways i never thought possible over the past three months. i have learnt that saying "i'm sorry" actually has to mean you're sorry for what you did, not just that you're sad because they've been hurt. spending time with lynette and her two sweet little ones has taught me the importance of discipline and talking. if joshua (who is now growing up to be a slightly boisterous three year old) does something wrong, lynette not only gets him to apologise and say sorry, but also asks him what he is sorry for. i'll give you an example.
recently, joshua was playing up. i was over at the house and he wanted his mum's attention, but she was having a conversation with me, so joshua had to wait to speak. he threw a tantrum and started to cry. eventually, after a time out and some tears and snot, he apologised. lynette asked him what he was apologising for. he said (and i'm grown-up-ifying this since he's only three) for being impatient and rude. i'd never seen that before. i grew up under the impression that you said "i'm sorry" and that was it; i had never experienced someone actually outlining what they were sorry for.
so i'm trying to use this in my communcations with chris. when we argue, we do apologise. but now i've started to try and explain what i'm sorry for before i apologise. because then it outlines where my selfishness lies, where my pride lies, and where my humility lies.

if i could offer anyone some advice, it would be this. think first. think with your head (am i being kind?). think with your heart (would i be hurt to hear this?). then think with your voice (what is my tone?). be kind in your speech. when i say kind, i don't mean nice. we are not called to be 'nice'. 'nice' means never offending anyone. 'nice' means staying quiet on topics that matter for fear of offending someone.

k. x