mrs katmus.

recently, i found out that a dear friend is pregnant again. this will be her third child, and i am so happy for her.

i am making the active choice to be happy for her, to encourage her in her choices, to support her in her needs and to praise her in her successes and failures alike. chris and i have been married for nearly two years; two years that have been heartbreaking and delightful. we have learnt so much about eachother and ourselves. where our tolerances end and where our tempers flare. how to say sorry without words and how to apologise wholeheartedly. we both agree on many things, and one thing that we agree on is children. we long for children. i truly believe that we were created to not only bless our family and friends, but to be blessed with a family of our own. be it through fostering and adoption, which are truly close to my heart, or through pregnancy and childbirth; children are on the menu.

so to find out that my darling friend is pregnant with her third, when i haven't had my first yet, is hard. chris and i knew that we would have to wait for a few years for children, partially because we knew we had to grow as a couple before we grew our family, but also because of finances.

i hate money. i hate the hold that money has over all our lives; you go to work to earn money to pay for a house which is then left empty for half the day because you're at work. i hate that money is something that is stopping us from trying for a baby. our home is tiny, but a family of three could fit in it perfectly (provided of course, we get rid of a lot of our junk that has piled up over the last two years). our hearts are full with love for eachother, but there is always space for a small one. but our wallets? even with scrimping and saving every last penny, there isn't room for a child. and i don't say that lightly. i know that financially, you're never 100% stable enough for a child, because babies throw your world upside down and turn it inside out. but if we factor in every penny we have, it just doesn't stretch to clothes, baby stuff (cots, prams etc) and all the other things that babies truly need (like nappies!)

so we wait. we pray for patience and we receive an opportunity to practise it. we pray for a chance to bless other families while we wait for our own, and we receive countless opportunities to be salt and light to our loved ones.

it doesn't stop it being hard though. this baby thing has been a hard lesson for me to learn; once, my identity would've revolved around being a mother. now, i know that my identity is in Christ, but my role? my role is in being a mother. that is the best job, and the hardest job i can think of performing. i dont just want the cute baby that sleeps all the time. i want the teething, sleepless nights. the sickly toddler. the grumpy nine year old. the silent teenager. the nearly-16 who rings me from a friends house because she wants to come home. the 21-year old who doesn't see eye to eye with me but now that she's living away from home, she appreciates all i did for her. or him.

i know motherhood is rough. i understand that. but so is marriage. so is learning to be content with what i have. so is completing a university degree you despite. so is waiting for children.

i know that i will look back on this when i do have children, and think "you fool, you had no idea what you're letting yourself in for", and she will be right. i don't. but i want to learn.

k.